After I sat down with my sons
and described for them the salacious relationship
between the birds and the bees,
they questioned me about God and Santa Claus.
I told them that God was another myth
to combat man's fear of death.
I said that if God were a teacher,
he would have been fired
for having sex with a minor.
I explained to them that I found Jesus
a laudable figure since he had overcome
a bastard's complex in order
to achieve a modicum of success.
I quipped that the Holy Ghost
was the black sheep of the family.
His predilection for ecstasy
would have made him popular in Austin
where mind-altering drugs never lose their appeal.
Santa Claus, on the other hand, was as real
as the earth itself. He represented man
at his very best, always giving, never expecting
anything in return. I assured my boys
that the superintendent had been correct
in removing the nativity scene,
but I promised to have a talk
with those teachers
who were telling their students
that there was no Santa Claus.
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